Tom vs. the Raccoon(s) ...alternatively titled, "Why I Have Been Exhausted All Week"

Tom sits ramrod straight in bed at 2 am.

"We got another one." He hops up and charges out into the hallway. His footsteps recede.

Moments later, he's back.
"Another raccoon. In trap. Must put on pants and drive to park."

I roll over, pull the blankets over my head, and consider that I have the bionic woman for a husband. How else could he hear the Have-a-Heart Trap snap closed two floors below in the BASEMENT? Only with Lindsay Wagner's ears would this be possible.

At 3 am, I am awakened again. Tom has returned. He jumps into bed and anounces that this was the 7th raccoon we've caught in the basement, or else we've caught the same raccoon 7 times. The ambiguity bothered Tom, but no more. He McGyvered a late night fix and cleverly spray painted the raccoon's ass silver.

"He made a god-aweful noise, but I'll know if he comes back, the little bastard."

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace

BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER :  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE :  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web ERROR MESSAGE 404:  "Not Found," meaning the requested site could not be located.

OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting SEND on an e-mail by mistake.)

CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

Sail ho! It's Talk Like a Pirate Day

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

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From: Stacey

He was out this morning paddling around in a canoe or something and flying a jolly roger. There was apparently a scuffle with the law, although no arrests were made.

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On 9/19/06 3:06 PM, "Andrew wrote:

Did he try to forcefully board another canoe? You can't do that in Morris County.

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From: Stacey

Oh, now you tell us.

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On 9/19/06 3:25 PM, "Andrew wrote:

Sorry. Email me next time. I'll be happy to address your municipal piracy issues.

Aquatic Accounting

------------From: Stacey

Andrew: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR TURNING OFF THE BLUE TOOTH ON MY PHONE. I was SHOCKED AND AMAZED by the battery-life differential.

------------On 9/6/06 10:18 AM, Andrew wrote:

You are welcome.

I am here to solve technology problems. You will get my bill shortly.


------------From: Stacey

Oh, I could certainly not accept your bill. What would you use to catch fish in the pond?


------------On 9/8/06 9:30 AM, Andrew wrote:

I catch fish with my bright orange invoice.