They're Wearing Tu-Tu's in the Server Room

From: Ray
Subject: Server Updates

On Thursday morning, we're going to restart the server which may interrupt service for a minuet or two.


From: Laura
Subject: Server Updates

Which minuet? I’m hoping you’ll say Mozart.



From: Ray
Subject: Server Updates

It's National Pink Ballet Shoes Day today too, so...

Orange Alert on Pot Pies

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On Oct 10, 2007, at 10:28 AM, Angela wrote:


I noticed yesterday that someone was heating up a Banquet chicken pot pie for lunch.

I heard this morning on CNN that this product was being recalled because it might be tainted with salmonella or E.coli or some other nasty bug.


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Eric Wrote:

Right at the start of pot pie season too! I think terrorists are behind this...

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Renayah wrote:

Thanks Angela... There goes my lunch


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Ray wrote:

It's only on free range native tree european dwelling pot pie. Not the pot pie's living on ranches in the USA.

Is it Review Time?

Stacey,

Just wanted to thank you for the Appreciation Lunch on Friday. It was appreciated immensely and the time spent with the studio people was a good time, although, speaking for myself, I would have rather been working and being productive here at Franklyn Ideas...

Thanks again.

Patty

Situations Change. Try to Keep Up.

"When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?"

- John Maynard Keynes
Reply to a criticism during the Great Depression of having changed his position on monetary policy, as quoted in Lost Prophets: An Insider's History of the Modern Eonomists (1994) by Alfred L. Malabre, p. 220

Thalidomide is Apparently Good for at Least One Thing

The first time this particular freelancer showed up to work, I had fiduciary concerns. She only had three fingers on each hand. Would she only be three fifths as productive as a five-fingered freelancer? Should I negotiate a discount in her rate? This was in 1994. I had like $7 in my new business checking account and I frankly liked to eat every now and then.

But wait. The freelancer's middle finger was the longest middle finger I had ever seen in my life. Maybe it was multi-functional outside the obvious heavy traffic road rage scenario. I decided to hold off for the time being. Keep tabs on the situation.

Turns out yeah. For once I was right. She was no casualty of the computer revolution. She could swing control-shift-F12 with one hand. When her rate increased later on that year, I didn't say one word when I wrote out the check. I would have paid her more. Maybe I did.

Penultimate : Brain Power Vocab Check

I might not be able to spell Treo, but I do have a handle on some tragic English language fuck ups in the name of pretentiousness.

Here's the take away: Penultimate does NOT mean "the über-ultimate." If you say, "We cannot try to solve life's penultimate questions 24/7..." beware. You sound like an idiot.

pe·nul·ti·mate [pi-nuhl-tuh-mit]:
–adjective
1. next to the last: the penultimate scene of the play.
"the author inadvertently reveals the murderer in the penultimate chapter"; "the figures in the next-to-last column"

I Think I'm Turning Japanese. I Really Think So.

-------------------- On 7/7/07 11:53 AM, Stacey wrote:

This is an invitation to join my network on LinkedIn.

-------------------- Guy wrote:

Konichi-wa!
Sure, sounds like phun.

Sayanara-
Guy-san

Guest Post by Tom : Been There, Crackled That

We were giving away Pop Rocks at our tradeshow booth. Some woman rolls up. "What are Pop Rocks?"

"Pop Rocks are candy. They're like an explosion in your mouth."

"Psssht. No thanks. I've had plenty of those."

Guest Post by Sean : Ice Cream and the Ballpark

Ahhh, the warmer weather brings out the management philosophy "Let's appease the peasants!", or The Return of the Ice Cream Social. It consists of a short talk followed by ice cream with a good variety of toppings.

Two women from the validation group joined our table and the following was overheard:

Woman 1 (eastern European accent): Oh, you didn't take much?

Woman 2 reply (also eastern European accent): No, I just grabbed my nuts.

It was all I could do to not spray ice cream across the table.

Are you missing your keys?

From: April

Are you missing your keys?

They’re in the refrigerator
(No, I’m not making this up)

Selling Potty : Part Peux

The landlord installed locks on our bathroom doors.


On 5/23/07 10:18 AM, "Renayah" wrote:

All the bathroom keys are missing.


On 5/23/07 10:35 AM, "Jill" wrote:

Where are the bathroom keys? You will all need to go downstairs in the bank's bathrooms until they turn up. Yuck!


On 5/23/07 11:18 AM, "Eric" wrote:

When I had the idea about selling bathroom keys to people on the other floors, I never imagined I could also sell them to people here at FI... I'll be rich in no time.


On 5/23/07 11:18 AM, "Taria" wrote:

There will be no selling of keys to co-workers...

technorati tags: bathroom, key, entrepreneurship

FI Olympics : Mini-Bowling in the Conference Room Venue

On 5/10/07 3:09 PM, "Laura" wrote:

Congratulations Team FliffenSchnitten!

Here are the bowling scores:
FliffenSchnitten = 25
BlueBerries = 21
Gelatinous Three = 19
Purple People Eaters = 19
RBGs = 7

Our last event will take place next Thursday - it will be our office relay.


On 5/10/07 3:14 PM, "Eric" wrote:

There must be a mistake - is that Patty in last place??????????


On 5/10/07 3:43 PM, "Barry" wrote:

There is no way Patty could have finished last! There must be a math issue.


On 5/10/07 3:45 PM, "Laura" wrote:

Our audit team can assure you that the calculations are correct.


On 5/10/07 3:49 PM, "Eric" wrote:

Isn't Patty coming in last place one of the 7 signs of the Apocalypse?????


On 5/10/07 3:55 PM, "Patty" wrote:

A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR HOUSES!!!!


On 5/10/07 4:07 PM, "Eric" wrote:

A friend of mine growing up had a Plaque on his house. It said "On this site in 1890, nothing happened". His parents thought they were funny.

Selling Potty

They installed locks on the restrooms on our floor. The beady-eyed Egg Lady led the campaign for the installation. She sits at her desk staring out through the glass door of the Egg Farm office. From her unobstructed perspective, she closely monitors lavatory goings on. Clearly, what she observed alarmed her.

Vagrants and their smelly vagrant habits did not snap the Egg Lady into action. And men with knives hiding themselves in the stalls finished second in the big problem contest. No. The problem was the people who work on the first floor.

The miscreants who work on the first floor are not supposed to use our bathrooms. They have their own bathrooms. Plus, they make risque cell phone calls in the handicapped stall.

The Landlord gave each tenant on our floor six lavatory keys. We hang them on hooks by our office doors. As I parade down the hall clutching my key on a lanyard, I flash back to third grade. Or that gas station on Route 80.

We're considering selling keys to those people on the first floor. We at Franklyn Ideas have the necessary smarts to sell potty. We may hang our sneakers over the toilets. We are entrepreneurs.

Things They Don't Teach You in Business School : Defending Your Toilet Paper

In our old office, we had our own bathroom. We supplied our own toilet paper. Every Monday, our office manager would go to Costco and pick up practically an entire skid of Cottonelle. And by Friday. Gone.

I wondered what was going on in there behind closed doors.

This went on for months.

Then one day, someone on their way to pee stumbled upon a couple guys from the office next door. They were exiting our bathroom. Each lugging a sixteen-pack of TP.

Cheap-ass corporate raider bastards. I had to go over there and have some words. Triumph in the name of toilet paper.

The Pirates of the Second Floor

We're pirates.

Items Recently Pirated:

1. Two pink leather lounge chairs
2. One (working) photocopier with collation trays and extra toner
3. Two 8' tall bookshelves
   
4. An unopened case of urine cups
5. Many assorted desk accessories, binders, other paraphenalia
6. One 14" PC monitor and matching keyboard
7. One dozen magnifying glasses with battery-powered lights

Our swarthy band has a three-prong battle plan:

1. Send scouts out everywhere. Make sure there is someone roaming all hallways on all floors at all times. Encourage ADD behavior and frequent jaunting about.
2. Act fast. When a scout returns with news of a potential score, debate quickly as to the merits of the capture. Should the prize be worth keeping...
3. Immediately dispatch an armament of at least fourteen or fifteen swashbuckling associates to drag the goods back to the mothership.

We're going to put our logo on a jolly roger and fly it over the receptionist's desk.

Argh!

The Fervid Quest for Truth in Electronic Mail

On 4/18/07 11:04 AM, Kendra wrote:

Hi Form Grid team,
Attached please find the three Medicare Part D rosters used for 1Q '07 distribution. I’ll send the other rosters for the other programs in a separate email.



On 4/18/07 11:30 AM, Juan wrote:

LIES!

I found nothing attached to this e-mail!

Predicaments, Pies, and Parting Gifts

On 4/5/07 9:32 AM, Eric wrote:

Sorry, but I have a little emergency at home and have to leave. I decided to drive all the way up here though, because I enjoy my commute so much.



------ Forwarded Message
Thu, 05 Apr 2007 09:37:59 -0400 Renayah wrote:

Sorry we missed each other I would have given you your pie



------ Forwarded Message
Thu, 05 Apr 2007 09:39:14 -0400 April wrote:

Well, thanks for playing our game, we have some nice parting gifts for
you...

The Biggest Loser

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On 4/12/07 3:25 PM, Mark wrote:

Win a boat load of money & feel great!

The Biggest Loser Contest

Straight from the NBC show “The Biggest Loser,” we will be holding our own Franklyn Ideas Biggest Loser contest.

$25 to enter - WINNER TAKES ALL! There’s motivation for you!


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On 4/12/07 3:28 PM, Leah wrote:

Mark isn’t participating because he’s already a loser....
I’m in..I look forward to collecting everyone’s money.


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On 4/12/07 3:40 PM, Shaun wrote:

I want to be a loser.


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On 4/12/07 3:55 PM, Eric wrote:


Keep hanging out with Leah - you‘re well on your way!


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On 4/12/07 3:39 PM, Kofi wrote:

Anyone can be a loser if you just put your mind to it!


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On 4/12/07 3:44 PM, Ray wrote:

Yeah, and some don’t even have to try that hard.


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On 4/12/07 3:41 PM, Barry wrote:

As far as I’m concerned you’re all losers! Mostly Kofi! I’m the only winner here! Accept it!


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On 4/12/07 5:11 PM, Kofi wrote:

I called to check and my Mom said I wasn’t a loser, so there.

technorati tags: weightloss,

Lovable Package Inserts

From: Renayah

Eric,
Where do you hold your closed jobs?

---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Eric

Close to my heart, of course. I think of all of my PI's as if they were my children. They may not all have the personality of my son, but they are all special.

technorati tags: business, corporate, advertising

Our Keen Reasoning Fires Flimsy Cover Story

---------------------------------------------------
3:29 PM, Jill wrote:

The fire alarms will be tested today and tomorrow. No need for alarm.

-- Jill

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3:40 PM, Juan wrote:

Well...technically, Jill....
If there was "no need for alarm," we wouldn't be testing them, now would we?

---------------------------------------------------
4:15 PM, Eric wrote:

But we digress....

Trix Arsenal - Secret Weapon #1: How to Handle One Bored Customer During a Pitch

The theater: You are pitching. Ernestly. And one guy sits slumped over in his chair looking at his watch. This Secret Weapon works particularly well if others in the room are salespeople themselves.

The set up: Wait for the bored guy to say something. Pretty much anything as long as he sounds fatigued, uninterested or cantankerous.

Your Trick: Look at somebody else at the table. Point at the sourball. Say "Help me out here, was that a buying signal?"

The Importance of Poetry in Cases of Kitchen Accidents and Exploding Birds

----------------------------------------------
From: Taria

Attention Tea drinkers!!!

Please be careful when using the new hot water dispenser!

It tends to continue running for a couple of seconds after you let go of the dispense button. I wouldn’t want anyone to burn themselves with hot water.

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On 3/29/07 4:27 PM, Eric wrote:

In case you are accidentally burned, there is a poorly translated soothing poem on the side of the dispenser to help you keep your mind off of the pain...

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On 3/29/07 4:39 PM, Juan wrote:

Just be careful to not try to read it while the hot water dispenser is still malfunctioning. The print is really small, so if you get too close you might burn your face...


Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a seagull divebombed an electrical wire and blew up above our heads. Bloody body parts and feathers littered the scene. The email trail continues...

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From: Eric

Actually, the button gets stuck, the dispenser stays open, and hot water continues to rush out. It’s not defective, it’s just that you need to be aware of the button and how hard you depress it. SO BE CAREFUL! I mean, it’s not as harrowing as having a seagull explode on your head, but it’s something.


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On 3/29/07 4:30 PM, Leah wrote:

I wish there was a poem to help take my mind off of the bird pancreas I saw laying near the motorcycle...


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From: Ray

Here is the poem on the side of the hot water dispenser and its actual translation:

“Everyday under the sunshine is a good gift”
Translation: “Everyday that you avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky is a good gift”
“Receive it with eagerness”
Translation: “Be very, very glad that you were able to avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky”
“Treat it kindly”
Translation: “If you manage to avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky, treat yourself to ice cream or something”


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On 3/29/07 4:35 PM, Kara wrote:

Oh the massacre...

P.S. I would recommend avoiding the center of the parking lot.

Speed Counts

On 3/27/07 1:56 PM, Kendra wrote:

Hi Everyone,

There are chocolate covered peanuts and raisins in the kitchen compliments of Todd the vendor.

Enjoy!


On 3/27/07 2:13 PM, Ray wrote:

I just went in the kitchen and there is no chocolate-covered anything except maybe a few crumbs floating in the air.

Conversation while Driving to a Client Meeting

Me: "What's your favorite kind of car?"

Juan: "I'd say one of the Ferraris."

Mark: "A Lamborghini."

Kofi: "A 1986 Honda Wagovan."

Franklyn Olympics: Opening Ceremonies

The Olympians paraded around the conference room bearing their team flags and sporting their team colors:

1. The PfiffleNiffers-- Colors: black and gold; Mascot: A gnome in a super-hero getup clutching a hubcap
   
   
2. The Blueberries-- Color: blue; Mascot: berries, athletic despite their rotundity
   
   
3. The Gelatinous Three-- Color: gelatinous green; Team Hand Signal: thumbs up!
   
   
4. The RGBs-- Colors: red, green, blue; Team Song: I'm a little bit ghetto, you're a little bit loser
   
   
5. The Purple People Eaters-- Color: fuzzy purple; Mascot: Barney, with incisors
   

Events will take place over the course of the next month. The Olympic Birthday Candle may have sputtered and burnt out, but the athletes were fired up. For lunch. And the possibility of standing on the highest podium to be presented with the gold-medal of office sports: the colorform sticker.

Citius, Altius, Fortius!

Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument

In a post I find very inspirational, Crackmonkey and Mr. Bad have put together all the technology you ever need to know in order to stump your opponent in a technical argument.

Here's my abbreviated version. For the record, I tried to do a trackback but there seemed to be various export limitations on that technology.

These are definitely desperation tactics. Use only when your back is against the wall:

1. There are, of course, various export limitations on that technology.
2. That won't scale.
3. Trying to build a team behind that technology would be a staffing nightmare.
4. That can't be generalized to a cross-platform build.
5. Unfortunately, the license would contaminate our product.
6. If we go with that idea, we're going to have Don Marti camped out in the front lobby with 300 angry software jihad supporters.
7. Yes, well, that's just not the way things work in the real world.
8. I like your idea. Why don't you write up a white paper and we'll review it at the next staff meeting?
9. I think you need to stop taking this so personally. We need to think about what's best for the project, not about our own little pet theories.
10. Oh, I played with that approach back as an undergrad. Got a D, too.
11. Yes, I believe that's the approach Windows NT is taking.
12. That's totally inefficient on modern hardware.
13. Well, yes, but it really reduces to the knapsack problem in that case. Do you have some kind of heuristic, or are we dealing with an NP-complete case?
14. Have you LOOKED at the number of I/O requests that will create?
15. We can't afford the transaction overhead.
16. Yeah, or we could all just plink away on Amigas or something.
17. What? I don't speak your crazy moon-language.
18. Hmm. Didn't they just go bankrupt? It's OK, I guess -- there's some German company who's picked up the existing service contracts.
19. No, that would break object encapsulation.
20. How is that going to impact the schedule?
21. RAM is cheap and all, but...
22. It would probably be best if we deferred that until version 2.0.
23. I like it, but it is too point-oh for my tastes.
24. Yes, yes, we've all read DJB's RFCs on the subject.
25. This really doesn't jibe with our core competency.
26. We need this to fit on a single floppy.
27. Yes, but can this be embedded in a toaster, for example?
28. We need something that my mom can use.
29. The packaging costs will be prohibitive.
30. That's a good idea -- you should do that on your home page.
31. Ho, man! Are they still AROUND? That's so cool. I thought that whole idea was discredited years ago.
32. There is no hope for the widow's son, Boaz.
33. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of Perl, so we should probably wait.
34. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of OS X, so we should probably wait.
35. I heard that the only real application for that technology was child pornography. How did you hear about it?

See more on their blog.

Tips and Trix for Business Owners : Collection Action

After thirteen years of wandering around the English language in search of the perfect words to collect payment from Fortune 100 brand managers, I have hit paydirt. Here is my 4, 4 for 4 voicemail message (4 messages, 4 call backs, 4 signed invoices sent to payables just last week):

"Hi Fortune 100 Brand Manager. The purchase order number you gave us was invalid, and we have not yet been paid. So my next step is to go over there and probably break your knees. Call me back."

Danger Lurks Where You Least Expect It : Times When You Don't Even Want To Know What Is Going On In There

"So sorry I hung the phone up on you before. My reciever got stuck in my desk drawer and then I fell off my chair."

Bling bling in the Franklyn Hood

"Did you see Gino today? He came back from his vacation in Puerto Rico with gold teeth."

"Gold TEETH? Did he also throw his sneakers over the side of his cube?"

"No, no. Not gold teeth. He came back with a GoaTEE."

Important Health Advisory

Dear Boss,

I don't want to get sick as much as the next guy, and I think it was a great idea for Ray to walk around crop dusting all the cubes with Lysol. But he sprayed me on the back of the head and I thought that was excessive.

Thanks for looking into this.

Was it the RAM or the outfit?

To: Everybody
From: Tech Support

Dear all,

I just had to reboot the server.

If you were the one who just emailed the 6.7mg picture of Juan dressed as a Leprecaun to everybody who works here, please don't do that again.

It suddenly smells like trouble in here...

Franklyn Ideas Happy Birthday Song

We are having a contest to see who can come up with a new Happy Birthday song for all of us to sing for our birthday parties. The song should be easy to learn and fun for all. See Laura to submit your song lyrics, if your song is chosen it will be sung at the next birthday cake for everyone to vote on.

The winner will not only receive a prize, but will also go down in FI history.

Writing Captions for Photographs: Best Left to Professionals

Here's a blast from the past because I'm on vacation this week:

I was doing the final check on a newsletter before it went to the client for review. A couple of grey boxes marked where photos would be inserted later. I noticed that beneath the placeholders, someone had diligently written captions.

I couldn't find the photos in the job jacket, so I looked around and eventually found them on an art director's desk.

Back in my office I laid the photos out and compared them to the captions. One picture showed some guy pointing at a little handheld device. The caption said, "The team diagrams their winning strategy."

In the next photo, a group of people smiled for the camera. The corresponding caption, first row (L-R) indicated "Delores" was the name of a distinguished-looking gentleman in a green tie. I went over to see our (former) copy director who had written the captions in question:

"What's with these captions?"

"What do you mean?"

"They don't match the pictures."

"Well. I was not given the pictures."

(This is just another example of Why I Dislike Being a Manager)

Cheese Glorious Cheese

On 2/13/07 10:44 AM, "Jill" wrote:

There is more cheese in the kitchen. Help yourselves.


On 2/13/07 10:49 AM, "Juan" wrote:

Jill...
I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth....
But where are you getting all this cheese?


On 2/13/07 11:34 AM, "Jill" wrote:

From my nightly raids on the cheese factory down the street from my mouse.


On 2/13/07 11:54 AM, "Eric" wrote:

That sounds like fun - can I join you?
(Count on a mouse to live near the cheese!)


On 2/13/07 11:57 AM, "Juan" wrote:

Everyone:
Please note I am working from home tomorrow.


On 2/13/07 12:05 PM, "Eric" wrote:

Yes, but do you have cheese?

Pay-A-Compliment Day Disintigrates

On 2/6/07 9:44 AM, "Laura" wrote:

Everyone,
Please go out of your way to pay a compliment to everyone you meet today. Having something positive to say is a great way to make someone's day.

It's great to work with such wonderful people like you.


On 2/6/07 9:54 AM, "Barry" wrote:

That was a great email Laura! You're so good at sending emails and organizing ping pong matches!


On 2/6/07 910:12 AM, "April" wrote:

On behalf of your proofreading team, otherwise known as Pull This! I'd like to let everyone know what a pleasure it is to proof your work at 4:00 p.m. on Fridays.


On 2/6/07 910:35 AM, "Juan" wrote:

To Everyone in the office. Yes. Everyone:

Thank you for taking entirely too much time out of your lives to make sure that I develop an intricate psychological complex. One which prevents me from wearing mustard colored shirts, giving people the “thumbs up”, and using my name in public for ANY reason. This newfound disorder has also manifested itself in a serious phobia of calendars, cardboard, and Jell-o.

So in conclusion, I’m happy to be surrounded by such creative and artistic individuals. You all make the idea of being institutionalized a very pleasant one. Thanks for all the laughs and for making this place so very enjoyable

Love,

Juan


On 2/6/07 910:48 AM, "April" wrote:

A round of applause for our eloquent friend.

P.S. Jell-O is spelled with a capital “O.”

- Pull This!

Essential Vocabulary Additions for the Pharmaecutical Workplace

Belly Buttons - Most advertisers count eyeballs. The insurance/managed care industry counts belly buttons. "This policy change affects 3 million belly buttons."

Hairball - Any tangled mess. Frequently refers to an organization's ridiculously complicated maze of rules and regulations. "No, I can't help unless you email me your 27-digit FTP74 number, obtainable via a multi-step process which few know and even fewer actually agree upon."

Budget Rubble / Budget Dust - Cash which is lost if not spent by "EOY" (End Of Year). Results in frantic activity right around the holidays-- exactly when you want to use up your vacation days, a calamitous coincidence exacerbated by Sarbanes-Oxley. See below for further explanation.

The Sarbanes-Oxley Quiz Show - Fun, although time-consuming segment where a vendor determines how much money a brand team has to "budget flush" by "EOY" without actually asking directly. Generally consists of a little game in the ilk of 20-Questions. It goes something like this:

Vendor: "So, let's just say we only ship to 2,000 doc offices instead of 3,000. That'll bring your cost down 25%."

Marketing Manager: "You're getting warmer."

The Sarbanes-Oxley Hotseat - Where a vendor sits while a marketing manager third-degrees a timeline. For example:

Marketing Manager: "So you are 100% certain that you will ship by the first week of the new year. I mean, for reals."

Vendor: "The majority of what we consider chargable expenses will be accrued on or prior to the specified deadline, yes. Fo' shizzy."

New! Levelset - I have no idea what this means but it keeps working its way into meetings. As in, "Let's get the project team together to levelset."

Compulsory lexeme in the corridors of power:
Recommendations for Review: Traction, On the Radar, To resonate, To have legs, Robust, PDFing, Deep dive, Deck (ie PPT Deck), Mission critical, Heavy lifting, face time, Metrics, Value proposition, BHAG, Action items.

The Franklyn 15 Explained

On 1/26/07 2:00 PM, "Leah" wrote:

In case you didn’t fill up enough on donuts, sticky buns and caramel popcorn, there are now Twizzlers in the kitchen. Happy Friday.

On 1/26/07 2:28 PM, "Patty" wrote:

HI HO SILVER!!!!

In the lemon-lime light

It was one thirty and I was starving. Back-to-back client meetings really take it out of you.

I headed up to the executive conference rooms on the seventh floor, well-known for their leftover sandwiches. The trick is to strike in the brief window after the big brass depart from their fancy lunch meetings, but before Corporate Food Service picks up.

I hit the motherload in Boardroom 7022. A banquet of tasty fare stretched out on a buffet table before me. It was Shangri-La and I attacked. In record time, I had a brimming plate of delicious lunch and I ate it faster than you can set your hair on fire.

As I licked the crumbs from my plate and sighed, I happened to glance up. Hmmm. A TV. And, that's odd. I see a cutaway view of myself in the lower corner.

Slowly, my gaze lifted to the main screen. A whole roomful of guys in suits screamed "Hi!" simultaneously and burst out laughing.

I was not laughing. I was bright red. I packed up my stuff and ran.

Mini Ping-Pong / January Madness

What follows is a small sampling of the palaver characterizing our cutthroat mini-ping pong tornament. I say small sampling because several days in a row, I came back to my office after a meeting to discover 150+ unread bombastic ping-pong smack emails.

The mini-ping pong tournament began innocently enough, but devolved with some rapidity. Originally, the tourney was regular-sized; but oppugnant forces who had not grown up with ping-pong tables in their basements sited unfair advantage against those who had.

To level the playing field, it was decided to scale down the table to about half size, and to fashion a net in proportion with the table. New rules allowed for audience participation, in other words, flinging objects of various sizes at the competitors or engineering elaborate distraction techniques.

Apprarently, there certainly is "team" in "mini-ping pong." It just might not be obvious to normal people.


On 1/12/07 12:25 PM, "Kara" wrote:

Cottage cheese, power bars, horse testosterone...
I'm all set for mini-ping pong.
No mercy: Friday, 12:30, in the conference room.
Be there.


On 1/12/07 12:13 PM, "Leah" wrote:
RE: Ray's unnatural fear of used paperclips (otherwise known as OCD)

Used paper clip necklaces containing "Team Kara" pendants will be available at my desk starting Monday. Please stop by for your complimentary chain.


On 1/12/07 12:13 PM, "Ray" wrote:

You don't scare me with the used paper clip thing, ya know... Not really, anyway... Ok, maybe it makes me a little nervous... damn it, now I'm twitching again! I hate it when that happens!!

No matter though, my indomitable skill will always defeat scare tactics.


On 1/12/07 12:25 PM, "Kara" wrote:

Ah, you finally admit I scare you...
Excellent.


On 1/12/07 12:57 PM, "Mark" wrote:

Ray,

I also know some guys that sell something for the twitching. Easy dosing, site injectable.


On 1/12/07 1:07 PM, "Kara" wrote:

Let him twitch. Muahahaha.


On 1/12/07 1:45 PM, "Laura" wrote:

Ray won in his match against Kara and is going to play in the 2nd round of our Ping Pong Tournament. Ray will be facing Yara in their match in Round 2. The dates for the matches for Round 2 will be posted on the event board today.


On 1/12/07 1:50 PM, "Ray" wrote:

All you losers who supported Team Kara have to give your next paycheck to the only man that supported me... Shaun!! (what a suck up!)


On 1/12/07 2:34 PM, "Shuan" wrote:

Congrats Ray!
While everyone was pulling for Kara, I had insider information that Ray was at home studying the art of Ping Pong by watching games on ESPN 8 "The Ocho". I also believe in the underdog, hence why I also bleed Mets Blue and Orange.


On 1/12/07 2:50 PM, "Eric" wrote:

I think I might have to sway my allegiance to Team Ray - you gotta feel bad for someone whose only supporter was there because he was promised monetary reward. (reference prior email).


On 1/12/07 4:22 PM, "Eric" wrote:

You see – Ray has one (paid) supporter and all of a sudden its going to his head...

Just remember that Shaun's allegiance can be bought by the highest bidder.


On 1/12/07 4:30 PM, "Shuan" wrote:

Ray pays well.


On 1/12/07 4:45 PM, "Ray" wrote:

Well, at least Shaun's honest. Pricey, but honest.


On 1/12/07 5:56 PM, "Shuan" wrote:

Hey a guy's gotta eat.

Burn the ping pong table before anybody gets hurt

-----Original Message-----
From: Laura
Sent: Thursday, January 11, 2007 4:38 PM
Subject: Ping Pong Tournament Dates

Everyone,

The players for Round 1 have been posted. Please get together with your opponent to determine when the best day and time is for you to have your match and then let me know when you would like to play. Available days begin on Monday through Thursday next week for this round.

Matches will be played across the hall in our new office.



On 1/12/07 11:09 AM, "Ray" wrote:

Dear Kitty:

I am more than happy to allow you to decide the day and time that I EMBARRASS YOU BEYOND ALL CONCEIVABLE RECOGNITION!!!!!

Respectfully,
Ray "No Mercy" K



-----Original Message-----
From: Kara
Sent: Friday, January 12, 2007 11:31 AM
Subject: Re: Ping Pong Tournament Dates

Dear "No Mercy:"

Every tournament has its underdog (or cat).

Beware,
Kitty


On 1/12/07 11:50 AM, "Ray" wrote:

Let me just state that I am not intimidated by you or your alleged guru (Eric). However, any underhanded attempts to distract me during the contest or to somehow sabotage my paddle will only piss me off further at which time I will literally try to hurt you with my 130mph volley!

You thought Forest Gump was good?? You ain't seen nothin' yet, sister!! So Run Kitty, Run... for the nearest exit!!!


On 1/12/07 12:15 PM, "Eric" wrote:

Dear Ray -

I suggest thay you please refrain wasting your time trash-talking with my client. I am busy getting her into a focused zen-like state of mind and your grandstanding attempts at trash talking will go unnoticed anyway. I would suggest that your time would be better spent practicing your ping-pong.

As for "underhanded attempts"... I guess you are used to the amateur leagues that you supposedly dominate. There will be no girly underhand used in this tournament - all attempts to distract you will be overhanded, or, at worst, sidearmed.

Eric "Miyagi-san" K



On 1/12/07 12:15 PM, "Eric" wrote:

You can also catch all the action in the Wa-hoon Saloon on one of their 3 plasma screens.

Also, you didn't hear it from me, but all wagers can be placed in the Wa-hoon Saloon. Give the bartender a thumbs-up sign, tell him you're Juanbanian, while staring off into the distance and he'll give you the latest odds.

Talk two the Hand. Snap.

---------------On 1/2/07 3:17 PM, "Leah" wrote:

Also, Shaun steals my binders and pretends he is innocent.

Thank you,

Leah


---------------On 1/2/07 3:23 PM, "Shaun" wrote:


Leah must have sun poisoning because she is delirious and is making up stories.

Thanks.

Shaun “innocent until proven guilty” B.


---------------On 1/2/07 3:27 PM, "Juan" wrote:

Now now you too...

I agree with both of you..So Shaun, please try not to get caught stealing any more of her stuff until her sun poisoning wears off. Then she won’t feel the need to trouble me with it.

-Juan


---------------On 1/2/07 "Leah" wrote:

I realize English is your second language, so I won’t fault you for using the wrong form of confusing to/too/two.
_