The Importance of Poetry in Cases of Kitchen Accidents and Exploding Birds

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From: Taria

Attention Tea drinkers!!!

Please be careful when using the new hot water dispenser!

It tends to continue running for a couple of seconds after you let go of the dispense button. I wouldn’t want anyone to burn themselves with hot water.

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On 3/29/07 4:27 PM, Eric wrote:

In case you are accidentally burned, there is a poorly translated soothing poem on the side of the dispenser to help you keep your mind off of the pain...

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On 3/29/07 4:39 PM, Juan wrote:

Just be careful to not try to read it while the hot water dispenser is still malfunctioning. The print is really small, so if you get too close you might burn your face...


Meanwhile, in the parking lot, a seagull divebombed an electrical wire and blew up above our heads. Bloody body parts and feathers littered the scene. The email trail continues...

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From: Eric

Actually, the button gets stuck, the dispenser stays open, and hot water continues to rush out. It’s not defective, it’s just that you need to be aware of the button and how hard you depress it. SO BE CAREFUL! I mean, it’s not as harrowing as having a seagull explode on your head, but it’s something.


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On 3/29/07 4:30 PM, Leah wrote:

I wish there was a poem to help take my mind off of the bird pancreas I saw laying near the motorcycle...


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From: Ray

Here is the poem on the side of the hot water dispenser and its actual translation:

“Everyday under the sunshine is a good gift”
Translation: “Everyday that you avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky is a good gift”
“Receive it with eagerness”
Translation: “Be very, very glad that you were able to avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky”
“Treat it kindly”
Translation: “If you manage to avoid bird guts raining upon you from the sky, treat yourself to ice cream or something”


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On 3/29/07 4:35 PM, Kara wrote:

Oh the massacre...

P.S. I would recommend avoiding the center of the parking lot.

Speed Counts

On 3/27/07 1:56 PM, Kendra wrote:

Hi Everyone,

There are chocolate covered peanuts and raisins in the kitchen compliments of Todd the vendor.

Enjoy!


On 3/27/07 2:13 PM, Ray wrote:

I just went in the kitchen and there is no chocolate-covered anything except maybe a few crumbs floating in the air.

Conversation while Driving to a Client Meeting

Me: "What's your favorite kind of car?"

Juan: "I'd say one of the Ferraris."

Mark: "A Lamborghini."

Kofi: "A 1986 Honda Wagovan."

Franklyn Olympics: Opening Ceremonies

The Olympians paraded around the conference room bearing their team flags and sporting their team colors:

1. The PfiffleNiffers-- Colors: black and gold; Mascot: A gnome in a super-hero getup clutching a hubcap
   
   
2. The Blueberries-- Color: blue; Mascot: berries, athletic despite their rotundity
   
   
3. The Gelatinous Three-- Color: gelatinous green; Team Hand Signal: thumbs up!
   
   
4. The RGBs-- Colors: red, green, blue; Team Song: I'm a little bit ghetto, you're a little bit loser
   
   
5. The Purple People Eaters-- Color: fuzzy purple; Mascot: Barney, with incisors
   

Events will take place over the course of the next month. The Olympic Birthday Candle may have sputtered and burnt out, but the athletes were fired up. For lunch. And the possibility of standing on the highest podium to be presented with the gold-medal of office sports: the colorform sticker.

Citius, Altius, Fortius!

Things to Say When You're Losing a Technical Argument

In a post I find very inspirational, Crackmonkey and Mr. Bad have put together all the technology you ever need to know in order to stump your opponent in a technical argument.

Here's my abbreviated version. For the record, I tried to do a trackback but there seemed to be various export limitations on that technology.

These are definitely desperation tactics. Use only when your back is against the wall:

1. There are, of course, various export limitations on that technology.
2. That won't scale.
3. Trying to build a team behind that technology would be a staffing nightmare.
4. That can't be generalized to a cross-platform build.
5. Unfortunately, the license would contaminate our product.
6. If we go with that idea, we're going to have Don Marti camped out in the front lobby with 300 angry software jihad supporters.
7. Yes, well, that's just not the way things work in the real world.
8. I like your idea. Why don't you write up a white paper and we'll review it at the next staff meeting?
9. I think you need to stop taking this so personally. We need to think about what's best for the project, not about our own little pet theories.
10. Oh, I played with that approach back as an undergrad. Got a D, too.
11. Yes, I believe that's the approach Windows NT is taking.
12. That's totally inefficient on modern hardware.
13. Well, yes, but it really reduces to the knapsack problem in that case. Do you have some kind of heuristic, or are we dealing with an NP-complete case?
14. Have you LOOKED at the number of I/O requests that will create?
15. We can't afford the transaction overhead.
16. Yeah, or we could all just plink away on Amigas or something.
17. What? I don't speak your crazy moon-language.
18. Hmm. Didn't they just go bankrupt? It's OK, I guess -- there's some German company who's picked up the existing service contracts.
19. No, that would break object encapsulation.
20. How is that going to impact the schedule?
21. RAM is cheap and all, but...
22. It would probably be best if we deferred that until version 2.0.
23. I like it, but it is too point-oh for my tastes.
24. Yes, yes, we've all read DJB's RFCs on the subject.
25. This really doesn't jibe with our core competency.
26. We need this to fit on a single floppy.
27. Yes, but can this be embedded in a toaster, for example?
28. We need something that my mom can use.
29. The packaging costs will be prohibitive.
30. That's a good idea -- you should do that on your home page.
31. Ho, man! Are they still AROUND? That's so cool. I thought that whole idea was discredited years ago.
32. There is no hope for the widow's son, Boaz.
33. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of Perl, so we should probably wait.
34. Well, they're going to do that with the next version of OS X, so we should probably wait.
35. I heard that the only real application for that technology was child pornography. How did you hear about it?

See more on their blog.

Tips and Trix for Business Owners : Collection Action

After thirteen years of wandering around the English language in search of the perfect words to collect payment from Fortune 100 brand managers, I have hit paydirt. Here is my 4, 4 for 4 voicemail message (4 messages, 4 call backs, 4 signed invoices sent to payables just last week):

"Hi Fortune 100 Brand Manager. The purchase order number you gave us was invalid, and we have not yet been paid. So my next step is to go over there and probably break your knees. Call me back."

Danger Lurks Where You Least Expect It : Times When You Don't Even Want To Know What Is Going On In There

"So sorry I hung the phone up on you before. My reciever got stuck in my desk drawer and then I fell off my chair."

Bling bling in the Franklyn Hood

"Did you see Gino today? He came back from his vacation in Puerto Rico with gold teeth."

"Gold TEETH? Did he also throw his sneakers over the side of his cube?"

"No, no. Not gold teeth. He came back with a GoaTEE."

Important Health Advisory

Dear Boss,

I don't want to get sick as much as the next guy, and I think it was a great idea for Ray to walk around crop dusting all the cubes with Lysol. But he sprayed me on the back of the head and I thought that was excessive.

Thanks for looking into this.

Was it the RAM or the outfit?

To: Everybody
From: Tech Support

Dear all,

I just had to reboot the server.

If you were the one who just emailed the 6.7mg picture of Juan dressed as a Leprecaun to everybody who works here, please don't do that again.