Top Six Conflicts I Have Refereed / Alternatively Titled: Why I Dislike Being a Manager

1) "Someone stole my green magic marker."
2) "He gave himself a haircut... in the cubicle next to mine."
3) "Someone keeps drawing pictures of gnomes on my whiteboard. The gnomes are wielding weapons."
4) "He keeps breathing on me."
5) "Every single Bagel Tuesday, she hoards all the cinnamon raisin bagels and puts them in her desk drawer for later."
6) "They were spray-mounting on the stairs and now when you walk in, your shoes stick to the floor."

Celebrating The Day of the Ninja - December 5

On 12/5/06 2:35 PM, "Laura" wrote:

In honor of National Ninja Day, I bought an ice cream cake for the office.

As you may know, Ninja's are master of disguise. The cake that I bought is a that of Ninja disguising himself as a snowman.

Enjoy.

_

We Have Holiday Spirit

------ Forwarded Message
From: Eric
Date: Mon, 04 Dec 2006 10:51:35 -0500
Subject: (almost) 24 hours of Christmas

For those of you looking to get into the holiday spirit, feel free to connect to my iTunes library and listen to selections from my XMAS music collection. There's almost 24 hours of music, with a little bit of everything – from the classics, to the cheesy, to the downright weird – and of course, the essential "Christmas in Hollis" by RUN DMC.

To connect, go to my iTunes library and click on the Christmas in the P.I.C.™ playlist.

Enjoy!

_

Overheard in the Las Vegas Airport

This is an actual loudspeaker announcement that Andrew heard in the Las Vegas airport:

"The gentleman that left his false teeth and hearing aid in the men's room... if you can hear me… please pick up a white courtesy phone."


-

You never know who is a fan of Ariel and her little crab friend and her little fish friend

On 11/15/06 1:21 PM, "Ray" wrote:

Hello there... I’m looking to find two DVDs that are missing from the back wall...
DVD 2005-065
DVD 2005-060
If you have them, please return them to me. Thanks.
-Ray

On 11/15/06 3:46 PM, "Juan" wrote:

And if anyone has seen Barry’s copy of “The Little Mermaid” please return that to him as well.

On 11/15/06 3:49 PM, "Barry" wrote:

That’s right! Juan wants to borrow it so he and David can watch it and snuggle together.


-

Cedar Knolls, New Jersey: The Jungle of the Temperate Zone

A freelancer stared out our office window at the bleak, damp, chilly autumn landscape. You can see the intersection of I-287 and Route 10. In the foreground, there are six straggly trees in a patch of dirt. Did I mention this is New Jersey?

"Omigod! There is a monkey in that tree over there!"

Long pause.

"Ohhhhh," she said. "It's not a monkey...."

"It's a marmot."


-

Fond Memories of MOPs AdOps

Back in the day, we had a client named Carol who had an administrative assistant named Rowshawnda. Roshawnda was tall enough to play basketball except she probably would have made a better sumo wrestler. She squished into her cubicle the same way a dozen muffins fit inside your lunch box.

Rowshawnda had a fashion trademark. She always wore spiked high heels. She went out on disability after the excessive psi (pounds/square inch) of her footfall punctured a hole right through the commercial-grade carpeting and ensnared her shoe in the subfloor. She twisted her ankle as a result.

Soon after Rowshawnda's return to work, Carol asked us to create a PowerPoint presentation that was to be burned onto a CD and sent out to high-profile physicians nationwide. Carol asked us to email the finished file to Roshawnda; Rowshawnda would send the file out to the CD duplicator.

We followed instructions exactly, but the following week, we got a frantic phone call from Carol. There was a problem with the CD. It wasn't our fault, but Carol had always been kind of high strung. She blew out the earpiece on my new headset.

Burned onto all 5000 CDs, right next to our PPT file, was a picture of Roshawnda. She was an enormous, puffy confection in her frilly, feathery, white wedding dress and matching headpiece. Her hammy arms draped around her skinny little groom in a light blue tux. All of the high-powered physicians in the country got to see Rowshawnda on her wedding day.

-

Brain Freeze

On Friday in the refridgerator, a lime green brain jiggled on the top shelf. There was a sign that said, "Don't touch my brain."

Later, I saw someone cavorting outside my office with the brain on a platter. I was making a phone call and completely lost my train of thought.

-

Tom vs. the Raccoon(s) ...alternatively titled, "Why I Have Been Exhausted All Week"

Tom sits ramrod straight in bed at 2 am.

"We got another one." He hops up and charges out into the hallway. His footsteps recede.

Moments later, he's back.
"Another raccoon. In trap. Must put on pants and drive to park."

I roll over, pull the blankets over my head, and consider that I have the bionic woman for a husband. How else could he hear the Have-a-Heart Trap snap closed two floors below in the BASEMENT? Only with Lindsay Wagner's ears would this be possible.

At 3 am, I am awakened again. Tom has returned. He jumps into bed and anounces that this was the 7th raccoon we've caught in the basement, or else we've caught the same raccoon 7 times. The ambiguity bothered Tom, but no more. He McGyvered a late night fix and cleverly spray painted the raccoon's ass silver.

"He made a god-aweful noise, but I'll know if he comes back, the little bastard."

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace

BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER :  A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE :  The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web ERROR MESSAGE 404:  "Not Found," meaning the requested site could not be located.

OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting SEND on an e-mail by mistake.)

CROP DUSTING : Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a cube farm.

Sail ho! It's Talk Like a Pirate Day

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

--------------------------
From: Stacey

He was out this morning paddling around in a canoe or something and flying a jolly roger. There was apparently a scuffle with the law, although no arrests were made.

--------------------------
On 9/19/06 3:06 PM, "Andrew wrote:

Did he try to forcefully board another canoe? You can't do that in Morris County.

--------------------------
From: Stacey

Oh, now you tell us.

--------------------------
On 9/19/06 3:25 PM, "Andrew wrote:

Sorry. Email me next time. I'll be happy to address your municipal piracy issues.

Aquatic Accounting

------------From: Stacey

Andrew: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR TURNING OFF THE BLUE TOOTH ON MY PHONE. I was SHOCKED AND AMAZED by the battery-life differential.

------------On 9/6/06 10:18 AM, Andrew wrote:

You are welcome.

I am here to solve technology problems. You will get my bill shortly.


------------From: Stacey

Oh, I could certainly not accept your bill. What would you use to catch fish in the pond?


------------On 9/8/06 9:30 AM, Andrew wrote:

I catch fish with my bright orange invoice.


They probably went to the Chinese Buffet

How to maximize your dining dollar:

---------forwarded message

From: Laura

Juan & David,

You've been on break since Wednesday.

Please update the in/out board, unless you two have taken the longest lunch in FI history.

It is your responsibility to keep the in/out board up to date.

Excerpt from resume we recieved:

I have spent the last fifteen years in the field of pubic relations.
SR: Dear Firecrotch, I'm not sure we have an open position appropriate for your skill set.

The Death of Emilio Santana

------------ forwarded message
From: Eric

It is with heavy heart that I report the passing of the Franklyn Ideas' fish, Emilio Santana. He was a good fish, full of energy, always happy, with an almost obsessive compulsion for reading Package Inserts. Emilio was a friendly fish, and was loved by all.

Emilio was Born (sometime before, but brought to Franklyn Ideas on) November 13, 2001 and Died August 8, 2006, just a few short months before his 5th birthday.

The Coroner's report is forthcoming.

Emilio is survived by his owner, Eric, and the countless others whose lives he touched.

Funeral services were held on the second floor bathroom at 5:45 PM, August 8th.

How to Make Vacation Planning Extremely Complicated

This could be the test we give prospective interns:
Determine exactly who is on vacation on August 14...

----forwarded message
Barry wrote:

There has been a change to my vacation schedule. I know this is going to upset everyone but I feel like you all can cope. I will still be off tomorrow the 4th but I will not be taking the 7-9th off. Instead I will be taking the week of the 14-18th off. Let me know if this is a problem.


----forwarded message
Eric wrote:

Since Barry is being cool by confusing everyone, I'm gonna try to be cool and switch up my vacation too! I will now be off on the 9,10 and 11th, returning on the 14th.


----forwarded message
Kofi wrote:

Note: I will NOT be taking off on July 11-14, August 1st, 14th, 23rd or October 10th, 2009.

However, I will be taking off on August 5-6, 12-13, 19-20 AND 26-27, as they are weekends.


----forwarded message
Eric wrote:

What a slacker!

Excerpts from resumes we have recieved:

TO WHOM I MAY CONERN:
SR: I don't think I'm up for being conerned today.

I AM SEEKING A POSITION AS A "MARKETING PROFESSIONAL."
SR: I am seeking a "plucky" "chumscrubber" to "drive around in the shortbus."

...I POSSESS THE CREATIVE GENIUS TO DEVELOP WINNING STRATEGIES...
SR: I possess the marginal intellect necessary to ferret out wankers.

I AM APPLYING FOR THIS POSITION A SINCERE PASSION...
SR: You sent your resume to the wrong address. Seymore Butts has an office in California.

A TRUE POWER USER OF TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY, THIS HIGHLY RESULTS-DRIVEN, "GET-YOUR-PRODUCT-NOTICED" AWARD-WINNER AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN BY HIS PEERS AS "BULLDOG" AND THE "MAKE-IT-HAPPEN GUY"...
SR: I heard a story about a bulldog who went to the vet for eating a sock which lodged in his small intestine. The dog walked around with a funny expression on his face for a month.

Tips for Corrupting Minors in the Workplace

-----Forwarded Message
From: Jill
Subject: Intern

For those of you who were not in the production meeting today, I want to let you know about an intern that we will have during the next school year (Sept. 2006 - June 2007).
>
This is our chance to be a mentor (or in Eric's opinion "an opportunity to corrupt a student"). Lisa is very excited about her opportunity. I'm hoping you will also get excited about your opportunity to share your experiences and wealth of knowledge. (Be careful. There will be no corruption of minors in our office.)
>
> -- Jill

-----forwarded message
From: Eric

I have already prepared the following lesson plans for Lisa:
1. The art of the buffet: how to get the most out of your $ and dining experience
2. Gnomes 101 - how to draw them, how to put them everywhere, how to love them
3. Harrassing Ally 101: 101 ways to make Ally say "Heyyy.. Stop bein' mean"
4. Harrassing Gino 101: 101 ways to make Gino want to steal your hubcaps
5. The workplace gourmet: how to make gourmet meals from scratch in a toaster oven
6. Bologna King - the legends, lore and history of Morris county's finest eating establishment.

I'm sure Lisa will greatly benefit from my knowledge on these subject matters...

------forwarded message
From: Jill

> Aren't you forgetting something???

------forwarded message
From: eric

I can only do so much - there is package insert work that needs my attention as well. I'm hoping Barry cover some of these other topics, such as prize-winning tactics, downloading music for less while supporting russian organized crime and the ever-important Chuck Norris appreciation class.

>

My favorite green pen

In 2005, I had a meeting onsite in the office of a brand manager. We do pull-through templates for his business unit.

I happened to be right over by Janet P.'s office, so I figured I'd drive by. We go way back to Parke-Davis and I hadn't seen her since Brian Adam's unwashed socks sold for over a grand on eBay. We may have had a conversation about that. But I digress.

Janet wasn't there and her door was locked.

Not to worry. I whipped out my favorite green ballpoint and began to write her a note. Right in the middle, I dropped the pen. It bounced once on the carpet and shot under her door. I got down and peered underneath. All I could see was nubby blue carpeting and maybe a chair leg off in the distance.

I finished the note with a blue bic and solomnly informed Janet that my favorite pen was somewhere on her office floor. For safety reasons, she should proceed with caution.

A year goes by.

Friday, I was onsite in the new building over there and ran into Janet. Her office had been moved. She told me to follow her because she had been saving something for me. My favorite green pen. It was a happy reunion.

Phyllis Stein likes Hot Dawgs

Some co-workers had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

-------Forwarded message
On 6/21/06 12:32 PM, wrote:
Subject: Would anyone be interested in...

> . . .a hot dog lunch next Wednesday (June 28)?
>
> If you are, please let me know and we will make it happen.
>
> Thanks,
>
> Laura

-------Forwarded message
From: Ally

I like dawgs – the fat free beef Hebrew Nationals are yummy.


On 6/21/06 12:55 PM, CJ wrote:

What about the vegetarians?
If we do dawgs we have to put tofu pups on the menu...


On 6/21/06 12:45 PM, Eric wrote:

How many points are those????


On 6/21/06 12:58 PM, "Barry" wrote:

Why do you people have to make everything so difficult? Just eat the stinkin dawgs! Laura I’m in for Dawg Day and I’ll eat any brand of dawg, fried, boiled, bbq’d whatevah!

--------forwarded message
From: CJ

Philistine
>
--------forwarded message
From: Eric

Who’s Phyllis Stein? Is she a new freelancer? Does she like hawt dawgs?

The truth sets you free to expedite your commute

------ Forwarded Message
From: Tom
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 11:54:47 -0400
Subject: FW: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up

Heads up!!
NJ is starting up a 30 day speeding ticket rally. From what I hear, every trooper assigned to this has to hand out 1 ticket every 10 to 20 minutes. They will be focusing in around this area so watch out. Here's what the trooper said:

Starting today, New Jersey will launch a 30 day speeding ticket frenzy. The state estimates that 9 million dollars will be generated in speeding tickets. 1 million will go to pay state troopers' overtime. There will 50 state troopers on duty at all times patrolling the 9 main intersections and highways.

---------Forwarded Message
From: Eric
Subject: Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.

While its always a good idea not to speed, this is an internet hoax that has been around since last year.
>
http://www.snopes.com/politics/traffic/speeding.asp
>
Eric
>
PS - There are unmarked cars that follow David wherever he goes, though.

--------Forwarded message
From: David
>
I saw one of them. Yes, these cars are completely unmarked. They are only noticeable to people who may be familiar with spotting these types of vehicles. Be careful.
>>
No, I am not familiar with them because of some past deeds.
>>
- David

------ Forwarded Message
From: Kofi

There's an email hoax going on - some guy named 'Eric' is sending an email saying that the speeding frenzy email is a hoax. The subject line is "Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.

http://www.snopes.com/pichampions/2cars/eric.asp

When Game Day Goes Awry

From: Administration
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 9:44 AM
Subject: Game Day: Our Unique Things

TODAY’S QUESTION:

Guess who said, “Every bike I owned up until the 8th grade was stolen.”

----Forwarded Message
From: Ray

A more interesting question is, who did the stealing?

-----Forwarded Message
From: Kofi
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 10:49 AM

Then I broke them down in my chop shop and sold them underground. That’s how I made enough lunch money to get me through the 8th grade.

------ Forwarded Message
From: Ray
Subject: RE: Game Day: Our Unique Things

Kofi, you’re so resourceful

We do it pirate-style

Dear Management Consultant:
How would you recommend that I demonstrate my reaction, if I was a pirate, to employees who are seriously behind on two projects and spend practically an entire day on revenue-void tasks as seen below? I am not looking to get arrested as I have too much to do this week to spend a whole lot of time in the pokey.

------ Forwarded Message
From: Steve
Date: Tue, 2 May 2006 13:17:26 -0400
Subject: My contribution to the national anthem debate...

The national anthem, sung like a pirate!

Aarh! say can yer be seein' by th' dawn`s aarly loight (arr)
What s' proud we ha' hailed 'pon th' twilight's larst a'gleamin',
Wharse brad stroipes 'n' bri'e starrs, t'rough yon parlous a-brawlin'
O'er the ramp'rts we squinter'd, wa' sae gallantly a'streamin' (arr)
And yon rocket's bloody-rad glarrin', the bombs a'barstin' in aar
Ga' warran' through th' narght, that our'n jolly roger be still thar
(aar)
Aarh! say do yon star-spangled pennan' e'er wave
O'er th' land o' th' free an' th' homeport o' th' brave?
(Ya horn swollgin' lily-livered scurvy swabbie!) (aar!)

Just to prove that loving America doesn't come in a box marked, white,
english-speaking, conservatives. And to those who insist that we must
all love, love, love America, then turn around and yell, "But you're
not doing it right!" they can kiss my poxy pirate arse, ya lubbers!
(Aarh!)

-----

Steve
------ End of Forwarded Message

Productivity slips when trash talk takes up half the morning

------ Forwarded Message
Ally 7/7/06 11:39 AM

Dear Jill,
Laura keeps throwing her trash in my garbage.
Can you please speak to her about this.
Yesterday, I smelled banana the entire afternoon thanks to her gross banana peel.
Thanks,
Ally

PS I have CC’d Laura and have spoken to her several times, yet she continues to bring her trash my way.

------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 11:40:06 -0400
To: Ally , Jill
Conversation: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad

In my defense, today’s trash was technically her’s. It was a coffee that she “forgot” she ordered from Barry. I just drank it for her.

- Laura

------ Forwarded Message
Jill/7/06 11:53 AM

Now children. If you don’t behave, I’m going to give you a letter. You must learn to respect each other’s space.

And Laura, all food garbage should go into that great big garbage can you purchased for us that resides in the kitchen. Keep your smelly garbage in there.

Now kiss and make up.

-- Jill

------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 12:01:03 -0400
To: Jill
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad

OK Mommy.

I’m sorry, Ally. I won’t use your trash can any more.

Kiss Kiss.