TO WHOM I MAY CONERN:
SR: I don't think I'm up for being conerned today.
I AM SEEKING A POSITION AS A "MARKETING PROFESSIONAL."
SR: I am seeking a "plucky" "chumscrubber" to "drive around in the shortbus."
...I POSSESS THE CREATIVE GENIUS TO DEVELOP WINNING STRATEGIES...
SR: I possess the marginal intellect necessary to ferret out wankers.
I AM APPLYING FOR THIS POSITION A SINCERE PASSION...
SR: You sent your resume to the wrong address. Seymore Butts has an office in California.
A TRUE POWER USER OF TODAY'S TECHNOLOGY, THIS HIGHLY RESULTS-DRIVEN, "GET-YOUR-PRODUCT-NOTICED" AWARD-WINNER AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN BY HIS PEERS AS "BULLDOG" AND THE "MAKE-IT-HAPPEN GUY"...
SR: I heard a story about a bulldog who went to the vet for eating a sock which lodged in his small intestine. The dog walked around with a funny expression on his face for a month.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Tips for Corrupting Minors in the Workplace
-----Forwarded Message
From: Jill
Subject: Intern
For those of you who were not in the production meeting today, I want to let you know about an intern that we will have during the next school year (Sept. 2006 - June 2007).
>
This is our chance to be a mentor (or in Eric's opinion "an opportunity to corrupt a student"). Lisa is very excited about her opportunity. I'm hoping you will also get excited about your opportunity to share your experiences and wealth of knowledge. (Be careful. There will be no corruption of minors in our office.)
>
> -- Jill
-----forwarded message
From: Eric
I have already prepared the following lesson plans for Lisa:
1. The art of the buffet: how to get the most out of your $ and dining experience
2. Gnomes 101 - how to draw them, how to put them everywhere, how to love them
3. Harrassing Ally 101: 101 ways to make Ally say "Heyyy.. Stop bein' mean"
4. Harrassing Gino 101: 101 ways to make Gino want to steal your hubcaps
5. The workplace gourmet: how to make gourmet meals from scratch in a toaster oven
6. Bologna King - the legends, lore and history of Morris county's finest eating establishment.
I'm sure Lisa will greatly benefit from my knowledge on these subject matters...
------forwarded message
From: Jill
> Aren't you forgetting something???
------forwarded message
From: eric
I can only do so much - there is package insert work that needs my attention as well. I'm hoping Barry cover some of these other topics, such as prize-winning tactics, downloading music for less while supporting russian organized crime and the ever-important Chuck Norris appreciation class.
>
From: Jill
Subject: Intern
For those of you who were not in the production meeting today, I want to let you know about an intern that we will have during the next school year (Sept. 2006 - June 2007).
>
This is our chance to be a mentor (or in Eric's opinion "an opportunity to corrupt a student"). Lisa is very excited about her opportunity. I'm hoping you will also get excited about your opportunity to share your experiences and wealth of knowledge. (Be careful. There will be no corruption of minors in our office.)
>
> -- Jill
-----forwarded message
From: Eric
I have already prepared the following lesson plans for Lisa:
1. The art of the buffet: how to get the most out of your $ and dining experience
2. Gnomes 101 - how to draw them, how to put them everywhere, how to love them
3. Harrassing Ally 101: 101 ways to make Ally say "Heyyy.. Stop bein' mean"
4. Harrassing Gino 101: 101 ways to make Gino want to steal your hubcaps
5. The workplace gourmet: how to make gourmet meals from scratch in a toaster oven
6. Bologna King - the legends, lore and history of Morris county's finest eating establishment.
I'm sure Lisa will greatly benefit from my knowledge on these subject matters...
------forwarded message
From: Jill
> Aren't you forgetting something???
------forwarded message
From: eric
I can only do so much - there is package insert work that needs my attention as well. I'm hoping Barry cover some of these other topics, such as prize-winning tactics, downloading music for less while supporting russian organized crime and the ever-important Chuck Norris appreciation class.
>
My favorite green pen
In 2005, I had a meeting onsite in the office of a brand manager. We do pull-through templates for his business unit.
I happened to be right over by Janet P.'s office, so I figured I'd drive by. We go way back to Parke-Davis and I hadn't seen her since Brian Adam's unwashed socks sold for over a grand on eBay. We may have had a conversation about that. But I digress.
Janet wasn't there and her door was locked.
Not to worry. I whipped out my favorite green ballpoint and began to write her a note. Right in the middle, I dropped the pen. It bounced once on the carpet and shot under her door. I got down and peered underneath. All I could see was nubby blue carpeting and maybe a chair leg off in the distance.
I finished the note with a blue bic and solomnly informed Janet that my favorite pen was somewhere on her office floor. For safety reasons, she should proceed with caution.
A year goes by.
Friday, I was onsite in the new building over there and ran into Janet. Her office had been moved. She told me to follow her because she had been saving something for me. My favorite green pen. It was a happy reunion.
I happened to be right over by Janet P.'s office, so I figured I'd drive by. We go way back to Parke-Davis and I hadn't seen her since Brian Adam's unwashed socks sold for over a grand on eBay. We may have had a conversation about that. But I digress.
Janet wasn't there and her door was locked.
Not to worry. I whipped out my favorite green ballpoint and began to write her a note. Right in the middle, I dropped the pen. It bounced once on the carpet and shot under her door. I got down and peered underneath. All I could see was nubby blue carpeting and maybe a chair leg off in the distance.
I finished the note with a blue bic and solomnly informed Janet that my favorite pen was somewhere on her office floor. For safety reasons, she should proceed with caution.
A year goes by.
Friday, I was onsite in the new building over there and ran into Janet. Her office had been moved. She told me to follow her because she had been saving something for me. My favorite green pen. It was a happy reunion.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Phyllis Stein likes Hot Dawgs
Some co-workers had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
-------Forwarded message
On 6/21/06 12:32 PM, wrote:
Subject: Would anyone be interested in...
> . . .a hot dog lunch next Wednesday (June 28)?
>
> If you are, please let me know and we will make it happen.
>
> Thanks,
>
> Laura
-------Forwarded message
From: Ally
I like dawgs – the fat free beef Hebrew Nationals are yummy.
On 6/21/06 12:55 PM, CJ wrote:
What about the vegetarians?
If we do dawgs we have to put tofu pups on the menu...
On 6/21/06 12:45 PM, Eric wrote:
How many points are those????
On 6/21/06 12:58 PM, "Barry" wrote:
Why do you people have to make everything so difficult? Just eat the stinkin dawgs! Laura I’m in for Dawg Day and I’ll eat any brand of dawg, fried, boiled, bbq’d whatevah!
--------forwarded message
From: CJ
Philistine
>
--------forwarded message
From: Eric
Who’s Phyllis Stein? Is she a new freelancer? Does she like hawt dawgs?
-------Forwarded message
On 6/21/06 12:32 PM,
Subject: Would anyone be interested in...
> . . .a hot dog lunch next Wednesday (June 28)?
>
> If you are, please let me know and we will make it happen.
>
> Thanks,
>
> Laura
-------Forwarded message
From: Ally
I like dawgs – the fat free beef Hebrew Nationals are yummy.
On 6/21/06 12:55 PM, CJ wrote:
What about the vegetarians?
If we do dawgs we have to put tofu pups on the menu...
On 6/21/06 12:45 PM, Eric wrote:
How many points are those????
On 6/21/06 12:58 PM, "Barry"
Why do you people have to make everything so difficult? Just eat the stinkin dawgs! Laura I’m in for Dawg Day and I’ll eat any brand of dawg, fried, boiled, bbq’d whatevah!
--------forwarded message
From: CJ
Philistine
>
--------forwarded message
From: Eric
Who’s Phyllis Stein? Is she a new freelancer? Does she like hawt dawgs?
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The truth sets you free to expedite your commute
------ Forwarded Message
From: Tom
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 11:54:47 -0400
Subject: FW: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up
Heads up!!
NJ is starting up a 30 day speeding ticket rally. From what I hear, every trooper assigned to this has to hand out 1 ticket every 10 to 20 minutes. They will be focusing in around this area so watch out. Here's what the trooper said:
Starting today, New Jersey will launch a 30 day speeding ticket frenzy. The state estimates that 9 million dollars will be generated in speeding tickets. 1 million will go to pay state troopers' overtime. There will 50 state troopers on duty at all times patrolling the 9 main intersections and highways.
---------Forwarded Message
From: Eric
Subject: Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.
While its always a good idea not to speed, this is an internet hoax that has been around since last year.
>
http://www.snopes.com/politics/traffic/speeding.asp
>
Eric
>
PS - There are unmarked cars that follow David wherever he goes, though.
--------Forwarded message
From: David
>
I saw one of them. Yes, these cars are completely unmarked. They are only noticeable to people who may be familiar with spotting these types of vehicles. Be careful.
>>
No, I am not familiar with them because of some past deeds.
>>
- David
------ Forwarded Message
From: Kofi
There's an email hoax going on - some guy named 'Eric' is sending an email saying that the speeding frenzy email is a hoax. The subject line is "Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.
http://www.snopes.com/pichampions/2cars/eric.asp
From: Tom
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 2006 11:54:47 -0400
Subject: FW: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up
Heads up!!
NJ is starting up a 30 day speeding ticket rally. From what I hear, every trooper assigned to this has to hand out 1 ticket every 10 to 20 minutes. They will be focusing in around this area so watch out. Here's what the trooper said:
Starting today, New Jersey will launch a 30 day speeding ticket frenzy. The state estimates that 9 million dollars will be generated in speeding tickets. 1 million will go to pay state troopers' overtime. There will 50 state troopers on duty at all times patrolling the 9 main intersections and highways.
---------Forwarded Message
From: Eric
Subject: Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.
While its always a good idea not to speed, this is an internet hoax that has been around since last year.
>
http://www.snopes.com/politics/traffic/speeding.asp
>
Eric
>
PS - There are unmarked cars that follow David wherever he goes, though.
--------Forwarded message
From: David
>
I saw one of them. Yes, these cars are completely unmarked. They are only noticeable to people who may be familiar with spotting these types of vehicles. Be careful.
>>
No, I am not familiar with them because of some past deeds.
>>
- David
------ Forwarded Message
From: Kofi
There's an email hoax going on - some guy named 'Eric' is sending an email saying that the speeding frenzy email is a hoax. The subject line is "Re: 30 day speeding ticket rally - heads up". Be on the lookout.
http://www.snopes.com/pichampions/2cars/eric.asp
When Game Day Goes Awry
From: Administration
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 9:44 AM
Subject: Game Day: Our Unique Things
TODAY’S QUESTION:
Guess who said, “Every bike I owned up until the 8th grade was stolen.”
----Forwarded Message
From: Ray
A more interesting question is, who did the stealing?
-----Forwarded Message
From: Kofi
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 10:49 AM
Then I broke them down in my chop shop and sold them underground. That’s how I made enough lunch money to get me through the 8th grade.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Ray
Subject: RE: Game Day: Our Unique Things
Kofi, you’re so resourceful
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 9:44 AM
Subject: Game Day: Our Unique Things
TODAY’S QUESTION:
Guess who said, “Every bike I owned up until the 8th grade was stolen.”
----Forwarded Message
From: Ray
A more interesting question is, who did the stealing?
-----Forwarded Message
From: Kofi
Sent: Thursday, March 02, 2006 10:49 AM
Then I broke them down in my chop shop and sold them underground. That’s how I made enough lunch money to get me through the 8th grade.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Ray
Subject: RE: Game Day: Our Unique Things
Kofi, you’re so resourceful
We do it pirate-style
Dear Management Consultant:
How would you recommend that I demonstrate my reaction, if I was a pirate, to employees who are seriously behind on two projects and spend practically an entire day on revenue-void tasks as seen below? I am not looking to get arrested as I have too much to do this week to spend a whole lot of time in the pokey.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Steve
Date: Tue, 2 May 2006 13:17:26 -0400
Subject: My contribution to the national anthem debate...
The national anthem, sung like a pirate!
Aarh! say can yer be seein' by th' dawn`s aarly loight (arr)
What s' proud we ha' hailed 'pon th' twilight's larst a'gleamin',
Wharse brad stroipes 'n' bri'e starrs, t'rough yon parlous a-brawlin'
O'er the ramp'rts we squinter'd, wa' sae gallantly a'streamin' (arr)
And yon rocket's bloody-rad glarrin', the bombs a'barstin' in aar
Ga' warran' through th' narght, that our'n jolly roger be still thar
(aar)
Aarh! say do yon star-spangled pennan' e'er wave
O'er th' land o' th' free an' th' homeport o' th' brave?
(Ya horn swollgin' lily-livered scurvy swabbie!) (aar!)
Just to prove that loving America doesn't come in a box marked, white,
english-speaking, conservatives. And to those who insist that we must
all love, love, love America, then turn around and yell, "But you're
not doing it right!" they can kiss my poxy pirate arse, ya lubbers!
(Aarh!)
-----
Steve
------ End of Forwarded Message
How would you recommend that I demonstrate my reaction, if I was a pirate, to employees who are seriously behind on two projects and spend practically an entire day on revenue-void tasks as seen below? I am not looking to get arrested as I have too much to do this week to spend a whole lot of time in the pokey.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Steve
Date: Tue, 2 May 2006 13:17:26 -0400
Subject: My contribution to the national anthem debate...
The national anthem, sung like a pirate!
Aarh! say can yer be seein' by th' dawn`s aarly loight (arr)
What s' proud we ha' hailed 'pon th' twilight's larst a'gleamin',
Wharse brad stroipes 'n' bri'e starrs, t'rough yon parlous a-brawlin'
O'er the ramp'rts we squinter'd, wa' sae gallantly a'streamin' (arr)
And yon rocket's bloody-rad glarrin', the bombs a'barstin' in aar
Ga' warran' through th' narght, that our'n jolly roger be still thar
(aar)
Aarh! say do yon star-spangled pennan' e'er wave
O'er th' land o' th' free an' th' homeport o' th' brave?
(Ya horn swollgin' lily-livered scurvy swabbie!) (aar!)
Just to prove that loving America doesn't come in a box marked, white,
english-speaking, conservatives. And to those who insist that we must
all love, love, love America, then turn around and yell, "But you're
not doing it right!" they can kiss my poxy pirate arse, ya lubbers!
(Aarh!)
-----
Steve
------ End of Forwarded Message
Productivity slips when trash talk takes up half the morning
------ Forwarded Message
Ally 7/7/06 11:39 AM
Dear Jill,
Laura keeps throwing her trash in my garbage.
Can you please speak to her about this.
Yesterday, I smelled banana the entire afternoon thanks to her gross banana peel.
Thanks,
Ally
PS I have CC’d Laura and have spoken to her several times, yet she continues to bring her trash my way.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 11:40:06 -0400
To: Ally , Jill
Conversation: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
In my defense, today’s trash was technically her’s. It was a coffee that she “forgot” she ordered from Barry. I just drank it for her.
- Laura
------ Forwarded Message
Jill/7/06 11:53 AM
Now children. If you don’t behave, I’m going to give you a letter. You must learn to respect each other’s space.
And Laura, all food garbage should go into that great big garbage can you purchased for us that resides in the kitchen. Keep your smelly garbage in there.
Now kiss and make up.
-- Jill
------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 12:01:03 -0400
To: Jill
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
OK Mommy.
I’m sorry, Ally. I won’t use your trash can any more.
Kiss Kiss.
Ally 7/7/06 11:39 AM
Dear Jill,
Laura keeps throwing her trash in my garbage.
Can you please speak to her about this.
Yesterday, I smelled banana the entire afternoon thanks to her gross banana peel.
Thanks,
Ally
PS I have CC’d Laura and have spoken to her several times, yet she continues to bring her trash my way.
------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 11:40:06 -0400
To: Ally , Jill
Conversation: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
In my defense, today’s trash was technically her’s. It was a coffee that she “forgot” she ordered from Barry. I just drank it for her.
- Laura
------ Forwarded Message
Jill/7/06 11:53 AM
Now children. If you don’t behave, I’m going to give you a letter. You must learn to respect each other’s space.
And Laura, all food garbage should go into that great big garbage can you purchased for us that resides in the kitchen. Keep your smelly garbage in there.
Now kiss and make up.
-- Jill
------ Forwarded Message
From: Laura
Date: Fri, 07 Jul 2006 12:01:03 -0400
To: Jill
Subject: Re: Need Help, Laura Being Bad
OK Mommy.
I’m sorry, Ally. I won’t use your trash can any more.
Kiss Kiss.
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